Good Bye Doctors
I am aware that the moment I decided I was going to be ok, that my bones did not magically heal. The pain did not all drain away leaving me in total bliss skipping through a field of flowers. What did happen though, was that I choose not to live in despair anymore. I still have my rough days and child temper tantrum moments. Fortunately I don’t live in those moments. So this is my story. This is my life. This is my burden and I am going to learn how to embrace it and love my life.
My secret has been to start creating a life I love. Surrendering to my limitations and honoring my bodies’ signals. I am blessed to be able to do this at this moment in time. If I were on a set schedule I could not lie down when the pain was beginning. Someday I will be working again so I try to cherish this time of rest while I have it. When I am focused on a life I love that is full of activities I love. I am no longer obsessed with my pain. When the pain was my main focus it seemed to grow exponential.
Very shortly after resigning from my job I was still having terrible pain in my left side low back that would radiate around the hip. This pain was completely different from the pain caused by the hardware on my right side lower back. The doctor had me go to a different surgeon in his office and check my SI joint. This took a series of visits and a cortisone shot administered in the hospital. Due to my post operation PTSD I had to be medicated to get me in to the hospital. A nurse held my hand and I cried like a baby while they put a needle into my back by my spine. The theory was that if the cortisone shot worked, then we would know it was the SI joint. Well the cortisone shot worked wonders. I had a few days of absolutely no pain! Unfortunately the cortisone had an undesired side effect of keeping me awake for a week. Thoughts racing in my mind I once again struggled for sleep and rest.
I met with the doctor again who said there were a few different options that could cover up the pain. Like “burning the nerves”. Nothing could be done to fix my SI joints. The most I could do, was try more procedures like shots or burning the nerves and just hope it would give me temporary relief. Each one of the procedures are extremely expensive and none were guaranteed to work. It was at this point I caved. For now I just could not do this anymore. I was so tired of being completely consumed with myself and my pain. When going to the doctors every week I would have to pay very close attention to my body and pain so I could describe it to the nurses and doctors. Living in a completely self-consumed state is not the right spiritual place for me to be. Not thinking about others, consumed with self was breeding, fear anger and resentment. YUCK
I decided to break up with ALL my doctors. I went to each one including my physical therapist and ended our relationships for now.
I told them, “I would not be coming back.” “That I needed a break and that is was not them, it was me.”
I get that one day I will need to revisit the doctors. Right now the best thing I could have done was put some distance between surgeons and myself. I still have pain but I am focused on living and not consumed by my pain. I have not had to take prescription medication and I feel so free because of that.
Emotionally and spiritually this little break has been just what I needed. I have been focusing on being happy and joyous. Three months ago I started my old exercise program. I am a girl who loves to move and sweat. Being strong and mobile are very important to me. I flop around in the back like a lost seal while the superstars move and groove in the front row at speeds of lightening inspiring the rest of us. I am at my happiest while I am at adapt fitness. Even in my “seal” like state, I am filled with gratitude to even be there! I will talk more about my physical strength and progress another day. Boot camp is a whole entry all to itself.