As I laid down tonight a feeling of defeat washed over me. I’m writing this as tears silently stream down my cheeks. I appear to have made an emotional digression. Without any scientific explanation, specialized education or medical back ground I am going to communicate the cognitive events that have led me to this episode.
Let’s see Perhaps a week ago I Volunteered for a few prolonged hours. I did this a couple days in a row. Don’t get me wrong the volunteering was great. Being of service is so rewarding and such a break from self. It’s the prolonged hours on a cement slab that were a bit of an awakening to me. I started to limp, and wine then promptly went home and iced various parts of my body, both nights. I spent a day demobilized and recovering. I have really been staying away from acting out on whiny behavior and limping because of the negative effects on my pain and psyche. I should have known I had pushed it too far. Perhaps it was ego or perhaps my overachiever that choose not to walk away before the job was done… Maybe even a little of both played a part. This prompted thoughts that I was not getting better I was just becoming less active and mobile thus decreasing pain…? First thought in my downward spiral
After exercising a couple times last week, I would come home feeling good and after I laid down to sleep became so riddled with pain. I was swollen all over my body and many joints including back, hips, knees and neck that I could not sleep. The good part is that this goes away after one night. I then am stronger and have a much stronger core. This is where my second thought compounded on the first, maybe this is something more serious. It’s the not knowing that always gets me slightly panicked. When I decided to research a little on my symptoms The computer alerted me to consult a doctor immediately due to the neck pain. Scary! I still can’t explain the knee pain…
Today my daughter and I walked a few blocks each way on a sidewalk. It was sunny and the air smelt crisp, clean and delightful. I started to get irritable on the walk back and realized I was in pain. After we made it home the rest of the day my knees have been burning and have swelled up. There is a sharp pain in my left foot when I step on it. Yes I definitely understand how pain can drive a person completely bonkers. Chronic pain being constant is maddening. Are these symptoms all related or are they not? What is causing these new pains? I have had people insinuate that it could just be normal pain… it sure feels new and not normal to me. Trying to figure out how I feel compared to what others think I feel is just a ridiculous process and it is super frustrating. This is when I started thinking that I have no idea what is going on in my body… I began feeling so helpless and the hopeless. I guess the tears make sense in that regard. Mentionings of being a hypochondriac drift through my thoughts. Commercials for doctors run through my mind preaching early detection is key. Horrific stories are found all over the web, books and news of people who did not reap the benefits of early detection. Do most women in their thirties suffer debilitating pain that radiates from low back and spreads through hips? Do you have pain that flairs up in your joints and rashes on your skin? Yes I suppose it could just be “normal”. I hope it is just normal body behavior but if it is then, my darlings, I may be thebiggest wuss on the planet…people are going to have to work very hard to convince me of this because, I have overcome so much trauma, pain and difficulty in my life. that does not seem like a plausible explanation. I am open to any advice, any experiences that are like mine. I am willing to consider anything. Hec Ill even stop chewing gum at this point if it will help.
My family and I are living on one income for now so every dollar really counts and I find myself trying to guess the cost of a doctor visit and an x-ray for neck. sweat builds up as I consider all the possible ways it could go. Pay three hundred for doctor visit who sends me to x-ray for seven hundred, who then calls me and says I am fine (best case scenario) or refers me to a specialist who charges five hundred for the office visit to tell me I need surgery (less good case) especially since I am terrified of surgery now. Or I ignore it for free and it completely goes away (best case scenario) or I could ignore it completely and I have an aneurism and die (worst case) of course the worst case scenario could go any numbers of equally bad ways. That is just analyzing what to do with the neck part. now let’s talk about why my knees and wrist are swelling and burning and my skin keeps breaking out in a rashes, Good Gad. Just The process of literally deciding what to do next could drive a person nuts. Yes I see why tiredness and fatigue, loss of ability, depression and frustration with people not understanding are the highest rated problems of any of us who live like this. It is a complex and overwhelming issue. A person really needs a team to make any kind of head way in this type of endeavor. I have even caught flak for looking stuff up myself online, slightly ridiculed for it. This is preposterous I have to be involved because it is invisible and I can’t afford live at a doctor’s office,
I know tomorrow I will be calmed down. I will spend time on ice meditating which brings me peace and joy. I have gained a new outlook on living on my orthopedic journey…I can now see there will be ups and downs, like most every process of life. So many decisions so many choices and so so so many unknown variables.
The feelings I have learned that triggered this negative response out of me are; feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, overwhelmed with information, fatigue, fear and of course being a burden.
Lord I pray before you today with gratitude. While I have had a hard day I feel confident that it will all be for some greater good. I know I have not been abandoned and that my purpose is becoming clearer each day. I am open minded, honest and willing to persevere and serve others along the way. Even if that means learning and teaching how to live, blessed in our current conditions.