I have been thinking a lot about change and resistance to change. When I look at where I am in my life right now, I can’t believe how content I am. I’m living with and managing chronic pain and I am having more fun than I have in years. When I found out what all was going on with my body, I was somewhat in shock. Then, the fear that consumed me took over from there. All I could think about was everything I was losing-like running, for example. People with hip dysplasia are not encouraged to run if we want our hips to last. In my mind, everything I knew was being taken from me. I felt my career slipping away from me when standing on a ladder for hours became impossible. I learned about the surgeries and parts of my body that would never be the same. Things like loss of mobility and scars would permanently change my body and then I would need to grieve those, as well. Income, independence, relationship dynamics, volunteer work and hobbies, and what had always been, were all slipping away from me.
I failed to accept that some good may come from this transitional time in my life. See, god can bring good from a seemingly bad situation any day. I really underestimated the power of my god. Now, I am not going to lie, changing all the things I listed above has not been easy. There has, however, been so much good to come from it. I am more in tune with my body and have learned how to listen to it. I don’t feel guilty when I say I can’t attend or won’t make it or if I need to leave early. I am comfortable being still and lost in thought. I am comfortable and at peace when I am alone.
Since quitting my career, I have been able to excel in areas of my life that desperately needed attention. I have focused on learning to cook and provide my family with healthy meals. I also have taken control over our finances and monthly budgeting is now occurring. I get to be involved in my daughter’s school and extracurricular activities. Life goes much slower and my stress is much lower.
I find myself with more time to spend in prayers for others. Being less busy means I get to know what is going on with family, friends and loved ones. I feel like I was not present in my own life. I feel hopeful and excited for the future. I am willing to try new things today. I get to have all of this, even with my pain. I feel so blessed when at the end of a long day I relax on bags of ice, finally grateful because I see what is in my life and not what is missing.
If only I would have had more faith, I think the mental anguish I had put myself in could have been avoided. There was a time where I felt helpless, hopeless and broken. I felt like I was losing everything. That was not the case. Yes, my life was changing, and there was nothing I could do about it. No, I don’t like all of the changes that have had to occur. Now, I know that god did not drop me. I can see that god was carrying me. I do grasp the silver lining of this whole experience. I am in a new beginning, not an end.