Mixed Feelings In Life

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My head is spinning when I think of all the things I want to write. I have been consumed with the launch of my new business and my writing is long overdue. I am filled with passion and love as I start this new chapter of my life. I still have pain some days but the amount of joy I feel seems to surpass that.

That being said, the other day I volunteered at my daughters dance performance. It was a special moment in my life. Tears of joy streamed down my cheeks as I watched her dance from behind stage. I have truly become the mother I have always dreamed I would be. My mother is amazing and beautiful. Most of my personal characteristics that I love most about myself have come from her. My mother was a single parent and worked hard long hours to provide the life we shared. Because of the work she put in for our family she was rarely available to take me to extracurricular or show up to childhood shows. I have memories of my childhood school choir recitals of me looking into the crowed searching and when I found no one those moments lost the specialness. Perhaps because it felt as though I had no one to share those moments with. The times she made my performances stick out the most. When she could be there it meant so much to me. One year in second or third grade I waved to her out of excitement and was pulled down off the risers and reprimanded for waving. It was worth it! Love you mom.

Ok I am off topic here. I cried because my daughter is growing and thanks to god I am not missing a moment. Not a single moment! I write about my orthopedic struggles so here is the kicker. As we bustled around working for hours helping young girls put in buns and pig tails, taking them potty and changing costumes I started to hurt. I was surrounded by other mothers my age and I had a moment just a moment where I found myself thinking…. I’m only in my thirties and I am in so much pain how will I ever be able to function in ten years? How will I ever be ok? I want to be like these moms. I want to not be thinking of the stiffness that is beginning and the pain that is coming. I let the thought go and distracted myself by the organized chaos around me. I did need to leave before the final cleanup and a slight feeling of guilt washed over me. The guilt was caused because I thought I needed to stay or I should have stayed. My truth was that although I wanted to stay and others were able to stay I had given all I had to give. My body was telling me it was time to go.

I left the school filled with joy, love and gratitude. As we sat in the car to leave I knew I was in trouble. I had over done it. I still believe it was all worth it. That seems to be the way my life is. I just have to decide what is truly worth pushing through the pain for. I drove home sitting stiff and in a hurry. I rushed in grabbed my giant ice bag and laid down with a sigh of relief. My daughter was exhausted mixed with excitement and I was hurting mixed with joy. That’s how life is. I can’t have the bitter without the sweet. Life is a mixture of feelings. Sometimes all good like joy, excitement and gratitude all at once. Sometime pain, grief and despair. Often it is a mixture of positive and negative feelings. Fear and excitement, determination and anxiety. Or in the example of my day, pain and joy. Today I am ok with what life looks like in its entirety. The day passed and I moved forward on my journey to healing. Luckily due to the tools I have acquired with chronic pain, my pain did not carry over to the next day. Oh but the joy sure did.

Thank you for reading my blog!