Happy To See Light…

I felt it was time to just get vulnerable and communicate how I am doing on my journey to health and wellness while living with chronic pain. I am so happy to just chit chat a little about my progress with each of you.  Thank you for all your continued support through this entire ordeal.

 

Getting Real

As I began my study exploring trauma and the effect it has on a person’s body in response to chronic pain and/or autoimmune disease, I became very intrigued. I have started to explore my past experiences in order to relate and attempt different healing techniques. I want to be sure that the techniques I offer in my business as a wellness coach are effective and worthwhile. To accomplish that, it has become imperative that I stay in the forefront of my own pain and my voyage through wellness.

This journey into my past has been anything but easy. I am determined, though, because I no longer wish to be held captive by trauma. I understand that even though my mind has learned how to ignore the misfiring of my neurological system, my body has not. Acknowledging my past does not make me weak or whiny. In fact, it is quite the opposite. Acknowledging my life and all its events makes me strong because I have to face myself with courage and endure any painful memories in order to make sense of them. If I continue to deny any struggles, the struggles repeat themselves over and over in my life. That is a form of imprisonment I no longer will endure. So if you find yourself reading this and thinking, Yeah, yeah, we all had struggles growing up, but we just move on, I ask you: Have you really moved on? How do you know you have moved on? Do you have one lesson that keeps repeating itself over and over again that you can make no sense of?

As a toddler, I eagerly awaited to meet my biological father. There was a lot of hype buzzing in the air about this meeting, and even when I was very young I could feel it. I was supposed to feel excited, or maybe I was excited. I knew I was missing a father, but I never felt a great loss because my grandfather filled that spot. Well, he filled it until years later when I would appoint the job of father to another man who was and still is my father to this day.

There was a knock on the door, and every one tensed up. I stood next to my grandfather and gave my best smile. The door creakily swung open, and there stood a man and a lady who were holding a small baby. We all stood staring at each other for what seemed like forever but probably lasted only seconds. I felt awkward, so I began to act silly in hopes of engaging him in laughter. For years, this move has summed me up in a nutshell. Mandy = acting silly in hopes of engaging you in laughter. Just as I did that, he turned around and walked out of my life. He would never attempt to contact me again. Of course, I did find him when I was nineteen years old, and we would have a distant and strained relationship, if any at all.

These last few months I have been searching my memories and my inner thoughts. I have been focused mostly on different traumas but also on core beliefs. As I explored many different traumas, one core belief kept presenting itself over and over again. This core belief, which was false to begin with, began the moment my father shut the door. The thought I experienced was: “I have done something wrong.” When he left, I thought I had done something wrong. A belief is a thought that I think over and over again.

This thought was the beginning of a faulty belief that would play in my mind time and again, each time reinforcing itself and getting stronger. The worst part of all is that it would serve absolutely no purpose in my well-being or happiness. Later in life, when violence would erupt in my home, I would think: I have done something wrong. When I was taken into state custody and put into foster care twice the thought that I had done something wrong would echo in my mind. When I would be forced to move to a new school every six months, I would think I had done something wrong. Each time any person was angry, I would believe I had done something wrong. This belief had become so imbedded in my day-to-day life I did not even recognize I was having the thought. After each day and each interaction with another person, I would be left thinking the same thought, and each time my shoulders would tense and anxiety would drop into my gut like a little bomb that I could not stop. I could not stop this reaction with any amount of positive self-talk. Only now, in my thirties, have I identified this unpleasant belief.

So how did this one experience install a thought that became a belief that somehow turned into…I am wrong? How do I change years of negative programming? By facing it and uncovering it! Now if my mind begins to even try to think that thought, I catch it and counteract it in my mind. I know this problem will take time to change, because the neural pathways in my brain for it are deep and worn. But today I have begun to heal, and today I know that I am not wrong. I know that sometimes I can be wrong without being wrong as a person. I am allowed to make mistakes, and not everything has to do with me. I don’t have to solely focus on me and my wrongs; I understand sometimes people are just having a bad day. I don’t have to push so hard to always be right, for fear of being wrong. Today my body does not have to tense up and endure extreme stress, because it has begun to settle the score and let it go.

I get that many people have faced adversity and difficulty and have beautiful and productive lives. I am one of them; however, that does not negate or nullify the importance of my experiences. Your experiences, no matter how big or small they may seem, are important. I have learned so much about trauma and how it presents itself in an individual’s life. There are families who are war-torn within them. These people and their families experience pain, loss, fear, insecurities, threats, and trauma. From experience I have witnessed that a strong, perceptive, and intuitive person can be made out of these ashes. A person who is solid and determined to make a difference in our world. A person who will not settle. Most of all, a person who will survive.

I Show Up

At times, I have thought my stress was being caused either by my medical diagnosis or my physical pain. However, I have come to realize that any stress I feel is caused solely by how I am choosing to think about a certain situation. Therefore, the stress is not caused by circumstances or by the fact that I am in pain, but it comes from how I think about my pain. What do I make my pain mean? This has been a powerful epiphany in my awareness. I have been able to closely monitor my mind and carefully separate facts from opinions concerning my medical issues. The relief has been, without a doubt, invaluable. I have definitely found this easier to do while working one-on-one with someone. Having an outside perspective has been a real game changer.

From all of this, I have found a new calling. I have gained a new level of knowledge and empathy concerning people and the world we live in.  Knowing how pain or a medical diagnosis can make a person crazy has given me new purpose. I say all of this because I have decided to start working one-on-one with people, and I am very excited to do so. I have spent many years working in this type of calling, and I have spent the last couple of years becoming certified and credentialed in wellness coaching. I have also been studying psychology as a college student, and I am excited to one day complete this degree as it lines up nicely with my coaching experiences. I am enthusiastic and equally frightened to move forward to the next level.

When I first started entertaining this idea, an old memory of me trying to run for class office in high school kept popping into my mind. This memory arises when I am scared and effectively reinforces a feeling of fear. At the time, I was feeling scared to put myself “out there.”  Let me explain…

When I was in high school, I ran for class office. I was nowhere ready for a service commitment of this magnitude. I did not have the skill set it required, and I would not have this for many years to come. Nevertheless, I presented myself as an option in front of hundreds of peers at a school assembly. After leaving the stage, I knew I had completely humiliated myself. Fast forward to just a few months ago when I recalled this memory, and the feeling of embarrassment, humility, and shame washed over me.

Here is the kicker; as I examined this memory more and related it to my knowledge today, I found something interesting. I took this memory and instead of myself, I put my daughter in my place. The circumstances stayed the same, but instead of me, it was this beautiful girl I love unconditionally doing the presenting and walking embarrassed from the stage. A completely different feeling washed over me. This new feeling was one of pride. In the new scenario, I was so proud that my daughter had showed up and tried. To fail when trying something new is not a bad thing but a show of courage. See, the universe was never going to let me have something I was not ready for, and that is a good thing. I never would have known, however, if I had not tried. That day, I learned I had more to work on: more inspiration and direction and more truth and knowledge of where I wanted to go and who I wanted to be. That one event helped shape who I am today.

It is interesting how much, unconditional self-love is necessary for success and a healthy mind. All these years, I have interpreted that experience as one of shame instead of courage, gratitude, direction, and pride. Now, when I recall that very same memory, I relate a completely different set of feelings to it. I am finding my courage to move forward in my new endeavors while drawing from that experience. Today, I remember to love myself unconditionally and without regard.

I will never know if I do not try. If my new business is not meant to be, then it will not be. I know it is time to make a difference in this world. I have designed an eight-week program that will help people facing a medical diagnosis or living with pain to increase their quality of life, reduce their pain levels, and rediscover their joy and purpose. This is my calling. Scared or not, I will show up.

I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings about this subject. Thank you so much for all of your continued love and support.